Letter to the Attractive Guy in the ER

Note: This letter is many months old, no need to be alarmed.

Dear Attractive Receptionist,

First of all, you’re probably not called a receptionist. My bad, I didn’t take the time to figure out your title at check-in. I was preoccupied.

Second of all, when I showed up in the ER wearing a salmon pink striped pajama shirt under a giant red fleece with purple flannel pajama pants and a maroon stocking hat, you need to understand it wasn’t because of you. Had I known that an attractive man would be asking me for my personal information, I might have dressed more appropriately. Or at least put on a bra.

I also want to apologize for not being flirty and congenial. Normally, you would have brought out my A-game of coy smiles and quippy one liners and stellar eye contact, but as I had an undiagnosed kidney stone and felt like vomiting, I was kind of terrified what might come out of my mouth at all. I didn’t mean to be business-like and cold.

Also, if you witnessed the later actual vomiting, I’m sorry about that too. Throwing up in a trash can and on my slippers was not the highlight of my evening either.

I want you to know, too, that I would have loved to come in at a later time to meet you under different circumstances. It was so unlike me to meet you and not be interested. And the truth is that we won’t ever meet again because I actually don’t find my dates in the ER. I’m pretty sure you don’t either. It’d probably be one of the things I like about you if I knew you at all. And knew you weren’t married. But I was so sick I didn’t even check for a ring.

I was thinking about this when I finally managed to shower three days after meeting you that this probably happens to you a lot. You meet all these people who just don’t care about you at all. They don’t dress up to see you, they aren’t nice to you, they don’t care how you’re doing at all, and I thought having a job like that would suck a bit.

So I just want you to know, I’m sorry you work in the ER, but there was that one beautiful moment when you put that hospital bracelet around my wrist and I got a little fluttery, I did.

Also maybe that was the nausea. But either way, I’m glad you work in the ER. I’m sure a lot of us are.

With fond remembrance, Pukey Girl in the Hat