House-Sitting is the Mother of Necessity

A few months back I house/dog sat for Jana’s parents. They’re lovely people with a large kitchen that houses, among other things, a food processor. Maybe it’s because I don’t even own a blender, but I just assume people that have a food processor are closer to chef rank than anyone else. Point being, their kitchen does not lack in amenities.

However, past experience has taught me that when I house sit, it’s advisable to bring my own wine bottle opener.

I’ve house sat a few times over the years and have been able to evaluate and analyze the variety of wine bottle openers on the market (or at least in people’s home). Even if i’m just visiting friends, I’ll often refrain from assisting with meal prep that includes wine bottle opening to set the table instead. If your bottle opener is a corkscrew, you’re on your own.

Sidenote: Everyone I’ve ever met who owns a corkscrew to open bottles will tell you “It’s easy” and then demonstrate but with Herculean muscles I don’t possess, Usually it’s some combination bottle opener/can opener/handcuff unlocking type tool as well. Pass.

At one house I was without a bottle opener and needed to make sangria for a party. I called my brother-in-law who understands how to MacGyver situations like this and he suggested shoving something into the bottle to push the cork in, which does work, but he neglected to mention the inevitable vacuum effect that resulted in a small temporary geyser in the kitchen. Fun for all.

So now I travel with.

Except this time, after house sitting, I forgot to bring the bottle opener home. So a couple weeks ago I bought a bottle of wine and then realized my mistake. You may have gathered that my kitchen is lacking in amenities and among those amenities I lack is a long thin instrument with which to shove corks into bottles. Or so I thought.

For my 25th birthday my parents gave me a mixer. Mixers have little beaters attached to them. And now we have the perfect storm for shoving a cork into a bottle.

Sidenote: If you’re someone who reads innuendo into everything, this next section is perfect for you.

Beaters have a little knobby end to hook into the mixer, and this is what I pressed into the cork, very slowly and carefully because again, you want to avoid the previous geyser situation. After working at this for a bit, I managed to get the cork shoved into the bottle with minimal spillage.

I tried to triumphantly remove the beater from the cork, but to no avail. It was firmly stuck. I pulled the beater out and the cork came too. I realized that if I shoved the cork back into the bottle and jiggered the beater a little, I could still managed to get the wine out.

Sidenote: The rest of the story should be innuendo free. If you don’t have a dirty mind.

Never before have I had to use two hands to poor out wine, but desperate times.

The plus side to this whole adventure is that when I was done drinking for the night I simply pulled up on the beater and the bottle recorked itself.

Despite the obvious inefficiency of two handed wine pouring, it’s not a terrible kitchen hack. So, go forth and buy some beaters! Or…just buy a mixer, already. What are you, 24?