The English language is amazing. Words and phrases take on multiple meanings all the time. These variations and transformations make life more colorful, language more refreshing, poetry more meaningful. But for the most part, we’re interested in transforming language for one purpose only:
Sexy fun times.
Listing all the euphemisms you know for penis, for example, could take hours. Pro-tip: always a great road trip game.
The activity of sex as well is a sea of euphemistic talent. Just ending a sentence with “if you know what I mean” can make anything dirty. Side note: My mom actually tags this phrase on the end of sentences all the time, but with no hidden meaning. She literally means “did you understand what I just said”, nonetheless, for a split second I am always scandalized.
Normally, I don’t find euphemisms something to take a stand on. Who cares? But recently I discovered that “Netflix and chill” does not mean “watch Netflix and hang out”. Too far, Sex. Too far.
I take my movie watching and leisure time seriously, even when I’m watching horrible films, I am a serious movie-watcher lazy person. And I use language that reflects this. “Netflix and chill” genuinely reflects my approach to watching Netflix in my sweatpants on the couch.
You can imagine after I was informed of its secret hidden meaning the number of conversations I began to mentally retrace. (Dear God, did I post that on Facebook???)
Listen, for years I’ve handled the fact that my favorite activities have been absconded for innuendo and sex.
I have resigned myself to the fact that “Come up for a nightcap” doesn’t mean “let’s have a drink before we part for the night”.
I’ve mourned that “sleeping together” doesn’t mean sharing a mutual delightful slumberous time.
I’ve long since gotten over the fact that “intercourse” can no longer mean talking.
And my adoration of baseball has long since been sullied by “getting to third base”.
But listen to me internet, you cannot have my Netflix and chill.
You’ve already ruined milkshakes, putting them in the yard and such.
What’s next? Are you going to steal my ability to get a burger and fries?
Can I no longer go “to the salon”?
At least Flight of the Conchords only took “Business Time”.
I want to be able to have a night cap, some intercourse, and then Netflix and chill.
But fine, sex. Fine. I guess I’ll just settle for having a drink, some conversation, and then watching a movie that streams online while I spend time with a friend.
Don’t you dare ruin that sentence for me, internet. I’m watching you.