Wealthy Singles?

I see a lot of myths out there about single people. One of the more offensive myths is that single people are wealthy, or at least more financially sound than their married peers.

I don’t know where this comes from. I’ve yet to meet a single person just rolling in cash going “Thank God I’m single, because if I was married I’d be dirt poor!”

It doesn’t actually work that way, you know? Unless you were working at a job before you got married that paid really well and then after marriage you started a new job that paid poorly.

Who is it exactly that thinks I spend all my wages on super expensive frivolous things? Who is it that thinks I’m buying liquor with gold flecks in it and any name brand anything?

You know what name brand I buy religiously? Tilamook. Because their cheese is the best. Other than that, I guess you could say I buy Target a lot. Or Walmart. Or Thrift Store. And by “a lot” I mean whenever I’m getting desperately low on essential items. Like last week when I realized I’ve never owned a vegetable peeler.

Here’s the real math on being married or being single. The hypothetical poor single couple starting out: you find an apartment. It’s a one bedroom with a tiny bathroom. All that you can afford because it’s just the two of you against the world. But it’ll work, you’re in love. You buy it and you share a car, because again, love.

Now, subtract one of those people and you have what most single people have which is double the cost for the exact same lifestyle and just one less person breathing your exact same air.

Sure, you could get a roommate if you want to be a daredevil. But that’s a lot like marrying the first person who promises not to buy a cat or eat all your ice cream when you’re not home. Best of luck.

And as a special bonus, no single people got a party when they moved out to be single somewhere else.

You only get gifts for relational “success”. Which is why it took me five years and my mother visiting to realize I never bought a vegetable peeler. Draw whatever conclusions about my diet you wish.

I still think being single is awesome, but I would appreciate it if people didn’t extrapolate from my relational situation any correlation to wealth. Because there is none. Of anything. Neither relationship nor wealth.

There are however four pairs of sweatpants, and I defend each of those purchases.