Starfish Sleepers: In defense of twin beds

I’m an adult, or so it has been explained to me, and I sleep in a twin size bed.

In your head right now you’re picturing it, aren’t you? It’s got a pastel duvet, maybe with giant flowers on it. And if you fold this back you will reveal sheets with a pattern. Maybe not superheroes, but definitely old, aged, faded Care Bears or something along those lines? Did they make Care Bear sheets? No idea. Kinda want them though.

There’s an assumption that twin beds are only acceptable to a certain age. And that age, the topmost limit that even some people wince at, is 18. College dorms are different and an exception, I might add. It’s institutional living. But you’re expected to have a “grown-up” bed and only resort to the twin when you come home. (Of course sometimes when you come home you don’t even get a twin mattress, you get the couch right by the loud, ticking grandfather clock. another time.)

Who voluntarily decides to sleep in a twin bed past this age? Who, as a single adult without children, could ever go to a mattress store and try out twin mattresses with the intent of sleeping on one for the next foreseeable ever?

That’d be me. Hi.

Before you get all weirded out about how I have a delayed adulthood issue, or lingering adolescence, hear me out.

  1. Beds are expensive. If I want a good queen mattress I have to be willing to shell out large amounts of funds. I do not have large amounts of funds. But I do want a good bed. Do you see the dilemma? In order to get a good bed with smaller funds, one must be willing to own a bed with smaller square footage.
  2. I have sensitive skin. My skin is so sensitive that right now I can feel you rolling your eyes. Yeah, man. Take it easy. I like my sheets to be smooth, silky, kind to my skin areas. Most sheets are crap at this. That first wear? Are you kidding me? The chafing! The sore areas I wake up with! It’s like sleeping on cacti. Egyptian cotton is the only thing I clothe my moderately expensive bed in. But guess what? Egyptian cotton sheets? Terribly expensive. What makes them less expensive? Smaller mattress.
  3. No one likes making their bed. It’s a chore. It’s cumbersome, it’s taxing, and it’s sometimes annoying. You know what makes it easier? Smaller mattress. Way less time, less irritation, and happier me.
  4. Apartment square footage is a hot commodity. Everyone is all about the space saving compartments, but no one ever thinks about this in relation to a bed. This is a mistake. Right now, because I sleep on a twin, I’m able to fit an entire dining room table with chairs into my bedroom. Who needs a dining room table in their bedroom? No one, but I CAN so I do.
  5. Sleeping on a twin bed is reassuring because you know if someone or something is in it with you. Queen mattress? No idea what’s happening on the other side of that bed. It’s like another country over there. A scary country where monsters live and want to eat me (perhaps I am still a bit stuck in the past).
  6. I’ve stayed at hotels and you can’t get a “twin size” room, I’ve not checked, but I’m pretty confident if I asked they’d give me a cot in the alley. Anyway, the luxury of sleeping on queen mattresses at hotels has taught me that when left to my own devices on an oversized mattress I will try to take up every corner of the mattress at all times. Plenty of tossing and turning and limbs thrown out. Quintessential starfish behavior. It’s not cute. When I’m sleeping on a twin you know what I more resemble? Sleeping Beauty. Total win.
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I mean, this is beautiful in its own way, no disrespect, starfish.

In conclusion: Be fiscally responsible, rational, economical, optimize your laziness, protect yourself from night terrors, and sleep like a princess. Buy a twin mattress. (I mean, clearly, right? Can’t be a princess on a queen bed, can you?)

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