A Hallmark Team Review: Christmas in Conway

Starring Andy Garcia and Mary Louise Parker, Christmas in Conway is the heartwarming Christmas story about a husband who buy a ferris wheel for his ailing wife, and the home health nurse who…helps.

I decided to watch this with two friends, (because as I have said in previous weeks, I’m starting to wane in this pursuit) who for their own anonymity I’m going to call Marley and Cratchit. I let them pick, because obviously my judgment is poor. It was a debate between this title and A Christmas Tale which only Marley really wanted to watch.

The movie starts on the home health nurse packing up as her busy business boyfriend talks distractedly on his phone.

On people who have no business being in a Hallmark movie:

Marley: “Is that Mandy Moore?” a few scenes go by. “Crap. That IS Mandy Moore.” (she plays the home healthcare nurse)

Cratchit: “She’s going to die on Christmas, isn’t she.”

Hallmark Predictions

Cratchit: “What if Mandy Moore finds out these (Garcia and Parker) are her real parents?”

Marley: “Maybe she’s going to freeze her eggs and implant them in Mandy Moore.”

Fill in the blank with Hallmark

Andy Garcia: “I know what comes after the sweet tea…

Cratchit: “The sex.”

Me: “The woodshed.”

Marley: “Diabetes.”

It’s such a good movie that…

Marley: “Wow, this is amazing.” while looking at an Olive Garden menu.

Cratchit: “I’m sorry. I didn’t know I brought that..for her.”

Side noteThere is an ongoing subplot about the vapid neighbor next door and her desire to be the most festive house in the neighborhood. It perfectly offsets the dying of cancer.

Side note: In another subplot (you can never have enough) the handyman doing the extravagant decorations next door is also perchance the love interest of our home health Mandy Moore.

On first dates or sexual innuendos:

Handyman: “We could go check out the turtles.”

“Is that a euphemism.”

Spoiler: It’s not a euphemism. They saw the turtles.

On the soundtrack and time period of the film:

Cratchit: “I would like to recognize one song from this movie.”

Marley: “It’s from the 90s.”

Cratchit: “It is not!”

Me: “It’s like four years old.”

Marley: “It’s a period piece.”

Cratchit: “It is not, it’s the South; everything’s a decade behind.”

After a heart wrenching moment:

Marley: “I bet The Christmas Tail doesn’t have cancer.”

After the handyman falls off the ferris wheel.

Marley: “Did he break some stuff?”

Cratchit: “Yeah, the ferris wheel.”

Side note: I know we’re supposed to hate the evil scheming neighbor, but she has slush punch and cheese straws which honestly just sounds like decent hangover food. But no I probably wouldn’t serve them to a decorating committee.

On last wishes and having them rigorously followed:

Me: “Guys when I die of cancer don’t build a ferris wheel.”

Marley: “Okay.”

Cratchit: “Fine.”

On the film’s ending:

Cratchit: “That was it? What the shit?? Nothing happened! There’s so many loose ends!

Marley: “This would have never happened in The Christmas Tail.”

Final thoughts and conclusions:

Cratchit: “We kept getting everything wrong, we only got right that her mom died of cancer, no kiss, no drama with boyfriend and new love interest. Nobody got to kiss Mandy Moore, what a shame.”

Marley: “It was really good. It was my favorite.” Said whilst staring at phone. “What’s happening on Twitter?”

Me: “Are you still upset we didn’t watch the dog one.”

Marley: “It’s about a dog?”

Me: “Yes! YES. Christmas TAIL.”

Marley: “It could be about a stalker. It could be a murder story.”

Cratchit: “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. Santa’s Christmas Tail.”

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