Myth-Busting, Girl Edition: Pillow Fights

I haven’t been in a pillow fight in at least … a few years, let’s say since college, but I’m sure the elements are pretty much the same. They’re probably not the elements YOU are thinking of if you’re a “red-blooded male”, but that’s what I’m here for. To shatter illusions and make fantasies less fun. Yay women.

  • Girls don’t pillow fight in their underwear. Sorry/not sorry. Women don’t start any game with the intent of being sexy. Never underestimate a female’s wish to dominate everyone else at the sleepover, and the perfect fighting clothes she needs to wear to win. If there’s a pillow fight happening we’re all in pajamas, but more like onesie pajamas with funny characters on them and retainers in and scrubbed clean faces displaying acne and dry patches and hair in messy but unattractive ponytails.
  • Feathers don’t fly in a pillow fight. This is such a waste of a pillow I can’t believe I have to spell it out. Also, feather pillows don’t pack the punch that other pillows do. In a pillow fight you want the un-floppy pillow so you can really knock the crap out of everyone. Oops, myth three. Did you really think girls did this in fun?
  • Women may fight with pillows, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t vicious. If you’re in a pillow fight, you’re in it to win it. And win it by a lot. I don’t know how to actually win a pillow fight, but I think, from past experiences, that winning includes knocking the other person to the floor and senseless.
  • You’re going to get hit with an actual pillow about 60% of the time. To get maximum smack from your pillow you have to be close to your opponent. Guess what else is close at that point? Your knuckles wrapped tightly around the edge of the pillow. I think I’ve been more accidentally punched in pillow fights than I have been in earnest in my whole life.
  • Pillow fights do not end with everyone giggling on the floor, out of breath. Sure, it starts out fun, but there’s a reason why women don’t resort to physical violence very often. It unleashes a real blood lust in us when we do finally get physical. All those petty slights and minor issues you thought were in the past? She hit me so hard. It’s probably because she thinks I’m a slut. Well guess who got busted for dress code last week? NOT ME. WHAP. Mostly the pillow fight ends with quiet seething rage as everyone settles in for murderous dreams.

That’s right, the aggression and the quiet building rage may be one of the most compelling reasons available why women SHOULD engage in pillow fights more often. Of course, there’s also the possibility that you’re risking numerous tenuous friendships, and permanent disfigurement, but violence has worked well for men for centuries in getting past their issues. Right?

Maybe it’s men who should use the pillows.

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