Hallmark Musings: Married by Christmas

My brother in law suggested that for the entire Holiday season I review Hallmark channel films. It’s a family tradition of hate watching sappy romances and mocking them relentlessly that needs to be shared with more people. The catharsis is real. And sometimes the hangover.

All films I’ll be watching can be found streaming on Hallmark’s website. It’s a fairly cheap subscription so if you want to put yourself through this you’re welcome to, I could use the moral support.

I don’t have a real selection process and am open to suggestions for the next films. So let me know what you’re in the mood for.

This week we have: Married By Christmas

Quick Plot Synopsis: It’s always been assumed that Carrie would take over the family company when her father retired, but a provisional requirement in her Grandmother’s will makes the fate of the company uncertain and leaves Carrie scrambling to wed before her sister on Christmas Eve. When it comes to family and business, where does true love fit in? (Yes, I wrote this synopsis. It came easily and I’m very mad at myself because I think it’s really good.)

Below are my play by play notes on the movie.

On imdb it’s called “The Engagement Clause” which is an arguably superior title
Both the leads are Irish? #diversity
The titles scroll over a Christmas tree, because of course they do.

This is honestly the ugliest house I’ve seen in a movie. This includes that one about the house that kills people.
Oh look at that, our heroine is a busy businesswoman and she has a perky not stick thin assistant. She’s going to give our heroine some home truths later in the film.
“Love is in the air.” “So is the swine flu, Zelda.” Classic. I need to use this in real life sometime.

The Dad has entered with a serious Dad paunch on full display. It’s important you know her dad is a real dad. I bet he golfs.
Oh man I know this plot. She thinks she wants to be like her dad and be a successful businesswoman and make him proud, but little does she know he’d be proud if she just married a man. This will greatly influence her later in the movie.
OMG her dad calls her “Care-bear”. Such a dad.
He calls his wife “Sergeant Bitsy”? The nicknames have gone too far.
Also just called her “munchkin”, and “my girl”.
He does golf! Confirmed.

Ethan, little sister Katie’s fiance-to-be, is appropriately pretty for a young man in one of these movies.
Wow with no sense of personal boundaries. Dude. don’t pick up strangers. Literally. don’t pick them up off the ground.
“He also forages.” Is that some kind of innuendo?? I think for Ethan “pine nuts” means something else.
Ew he just did creepy foraging fingers. Not charming. Not funny. #neveragainEthan
I think they’re making fun of hipsters? But it’s really just white people displaying why a lot of people don’t like white people
Care Bear needs more wine in that glass.
“Perpetually pesky Carrie” one more nickname from Paunchy Papa.
Everyone’s gotta stop saying Turducken. Please.
Ethan’s not “divine”, Katie. He forages.
Katie and Ethan are engaged. Does this mean he gets a family nickname too? I have suggestions.
Oh man. the men went to watch football while the lady folk decorated the tree? Balance is restored. Finally, women being FEMININE and men being SPORTS.
Oh this is a delight. Grandma Lucille had “specific ideas about gender roles”, but the next generation is CLEARLY not into that.
But all kidding aside, leaving the company to your granddaughter’s husband is the DUMBEST thing ever. Someone should have declared Lucille not fit to make a will.
Oh Ethan’s about to be a terrible person. I am so glad he lives up to that godawful sweater he’s wearing. By not wanting to let Carrie have the company. Didn’t he JUST get into this family?

Introduction to the prime love interest!! Oh and he has “soft” hands and somehow this is VERY good news.
HAHA his last name is “Courtney” ahhh what a girl.
Excellent they’re adversarial right from the start and for no real reason. My favorite romance trope.
Oh she doesn’t shake his soft hand. BURN and a good way to delay their inevitable first brush of the hands and ROMANTIC AWAKENING
White girl dramatics are starting. Her life is over. Obviously. How can there be a movie to watch if her life isn’t over?

Oh she’s approaching this crazy marriage idea like it’s a business contract. Amazing. I love when movies try to pretend like women who are analytical also don’t understand how humans work. At all.
MALE MEAT MARKET MONTAGE
All these potential stranger husbands pick her up at her door? That seems unsafe for blind dates.
Oh classic romance misdirection. Paul from high school, the one who got away. “Paul was just a red herring.” — Me at the end of this movie.
Paul is adorable and charming and cute and flirty. This won’t work out.
Why are all the men dark haired with the same haircut? or roughly the same haircut? At least we know Ethan wears horrible llama hair sweaters (this is assumed, but he’s totally that type)
She took Paul’s hand. There were no obvious sparks. He can’t be the guy.

“Carrie you’re not still angry with Ethan and me are you?” This from clueless Katie. NOOOOOOOOO Why would Carrie be mad at you for saying you were going to THINK about taking the company away from her? That’s just crazy.
OMG Ethan’s best friend is Soft Hands Courtney? He has no first name now, it’s just “Soft Hands”.
Ethan and Soft Hands are almost identical. I can’t believe they didn’t just make them twins.
Also Ethan is not wearing a llama sweater, so disappointed.
Now with all three men in the same room it’s evident that Paul’s not the right guy. He has zero scruff. A five ‘o clock shadow is MANDATORY. That’s how we know Soft Hands is a real man, worthy of love.
Oh “wah” “it is going to cost a fortune to ship all of this to Napa!” says the bride to be staring at all her presents that PEOPLE GAVE HER. It’s too bad she didn’t think of charity donations until AFTER she got the gifts. #blessed
Christmas decorations montage. It’s too soon. TOO. SOON.

I took a break here before my eyes started bleeding

We’re back. Care Bear is dressed like an Elf. I’m sure the “why” will become clear.
Is it too much to ask that one of the antlers on her head (she’s wearing an elf hat and antlers because she has no Christmas self control, pull it together Carrie) accidentally stabs Soft Hands in the eye when she puts her head in her hands? IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK.
It is too much. Why God WHY. My life is over.
Wow she gave him a candy cane. Both a cheap and unappealing treat. Anything bigger would just be leading him on though.

ICE SKATING MONTAGE

Not too many people are brave enough to put a clarinet Christmas solo into their movie. #alternativechristmasspirit
Oh she thinks Paul might be perfect. That’s actually how you know he’s not the right guy. That, and the fact that he shaves.

Oh! perky assistant lady tried to give home truths wisdom and got SHUT DOWN. “Do some assistant thing” Ouch.

Paul is way too into this movie they’re watching. He and Carrie are destined to be BFFs. I hope he turns out to be gay.
If she wanted to seduce him, should have worn a low cut top.
Tbh Paul totally reminds me of me watching a movie. It is insufferable. I apologize. No one likes your movie trivia, Paul!
Oh good. Wacky bachelorette guests who drink too much schnapps. Oh! And a little slutty. Fantastic. They’re going to be all over Dylan. And Dylan is going to need someone to save him from those cloying bimbo schnapps females.
UGH Ethan take up MORE OF THE COUCH. It’s not like it’s made for three and that you’re sharing it with other humans. It’s possible I hate him for no reason. #neverforgetthellamsweater
Someone just said “Festooned” and “Christmas foliage” in the same sentence. I think that means we have to sacrifice an elf.
They don’t have cellular reception OR a landline at this horrortastic Christmas cottage? WHY? What kind of commune cult house is this??
Paul came bearing alcohol. He is going to need it. I also need it.

Gin break

Oh Soft Hands came back from a manly hike to help Carrie bake cookies.
She just gave him a naked cookie for a snack. Why would someone give someone else a naked cookie unless you’re trying to send a message? #noonelikessofthands
Oh she burned herself. And now we have the hand grazing we’ve been waiting for as he TAKES CARE OF HER.
She needs a whole towel for this? Dude, do a shot and slather the aloe and away you go.
Paul ruined their moment. OMG Paul go be in a different movie.
Maybe one where you can get the girl. You deserve a nice woman, Paul. Or man.

Sisters who don’t communicate. This is actually a good movie plotline. Why didn’t they just do this.
Also Mom can’t pick out presents for shit. This is an excellent sub plot. More of this please.

This is one of the ugliest wedding dresses I’ve ever seen.
“Stevie Nicks lace explosion” excellent dress description. Go team Carrie.
Carrie’s selfish for wanting the life she’s been working toward not to be snatched away by her disinterested sister? MMMMMMM not seeing it guys.
Wow. Katie and Ethan are the WOOOOOOORST. This is how you ruin families right here. Nice job Grandma Lucille.

Carrie’s going to roofie Paul and make him marry her in Las Vegas. This is not going to hold up in court.
Carrie might be selfish for conning a guy into marrying her so she can get her company back. Maybe.
Is Paul’s signature clothing item scarves? Because he seems to own a LOT of scarves. Carrie’s in a sleeveless dress so I have no idea what the weather is right now.
She is doing a terrible job of explaining this to Paul.
PAUL IS GAY. Oh man. They should definitely get married now. This is a way better movie.
Wow Carrie is homophobic. How fun.
It’s fine guys. She was joking. and drunk!
Drunk dialing Soft Hands. Excellent decision. Sidenote, why does she have his number? I think we missed a crucial plot point here.
Also, never in the history of ever has saying “Calm down” helped anyone to calm down.
I relate to drunk Carrie on a very literal sober level. *ambivalently waves phone at stranger “can you take care of this?”*
There’s a lot of straight guy plaid in this movie, side note.
She just fell over and said “shh”. This is some excellent acting right here. She’s an exmplar drunk. I’m just going to assume she’s method.
Well that was a long and uncomfortable drunk pajama sequence.

“I need you to return this and I need to die.” I feel you Carrie.
Ooh there’s a home truth. “You don’t own the company now. Nothing has to change.” #zoeywisdom
Hungover Carrie Munchkin is not having this excellent wisdom.
Wow she doesn’t remember drunk dialing Soft Hands. I wish I could totally erase mortifying moments from my own life.
Side note, he’s a corporate lawyer who wears a LOT of not suits during working hours.
HOME TRUTH CENTRAL, bring it Zoey

We have reached the part of the movie where I think Carrie needs to apologize to a lot of people.
Drunk slutty bridesmaids are cupids helpers. Drunk girls often fulfill this role tbh
One apology down, kind of. Like half a dozen more to go.
Ew the guys have a “tijuana trip” featuring in the best man speech. Gross.
Apology number two happening right now.
Calling someone “pathetic” when they’re actively apologizing? Pretty low.
“I don’t think we can allow you to talk to anybody you’re not related to.” Truth Katie. You’re being a dick right now, but it’s true.
Okay they’re framing this like Katie is the sensible, reasonable one. And honestly, we know Carrie’s not, but Katie got those mad crazy bride eyes. Sooooooo
Side note, getting married on a holiday? Kind of a dick move. I think we all know this is Jesus’ birthday, your wedding does not trump that Katie. Especially in that hideous dress.
Carrie’s resigning. Right before their wedding. Ultimate passive aggressive move. Love it.
Also, let’s just call this ultimate first world problems — fighting over who gets to own a successful company so the other one can follow their dreams.
“I’ve been dreading this since THE DAY YOU WERE BORN.” So dramatic papa nickname. Really??
If Ethan is not wearing a llama sweater tux I’m going to be super disappointed.
Disappointed.
BUT IT’S A PLAID SHIRT so…I feel like we’re all losers now.
And his best man is wearing a sweater vest. While Carrie has on a full length strapless gown? Did no one discuss the aesthetic of this event??
Oooh coy best man and maid of honor romantic looks over the happy couple #clichesthatwork
And literally the shortest ceremony I’ve ever seen. Which is good. I don’t want to know anything more about llama plaid Ethan.
There’s maybe 20 people at this wedding and no eligible men so the slutty bridesmaids are dancing with each other. #drunkgirlsdontcare
Paul is back. His scarf is missing. And he’s pulling a Rupert Everett from My Best Friend’s Wedding. Not as well though. But I appreciate the sentiment.
The cake is in the shape of a log? Oh God. Why did anyone allow this.
Wait what the what? She’s going to work for that vineyard that Soft Hands is the attorney for? Yeah you’re right, let’s gloss over this and focus more on the dancing.
“i’m a nice guy.” RED ALERT CARRIE. RED ALERT. Nice guys don’t feel the need to say this.
Aaaand they’re kissing. And it made me feel uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because it came on the heels of him whispering “I look sexy in plaid.”