Hallmark Observations: Wedding Wonderland

Like many other Hallmark movies this one has two titles. Wedding Wonderland is known by the title Winter Wedding on imdb. I think they made the right call going with the former because the latter just reminds me of the red wedding scene from Game of Thrones for some reason. I assume this movie is the opposite of that scene.

While no leading man in this movie goes by the name “Nick” I should note that our male protagonist is played by a man whose real name is Nick, Nick Bateman, so Hallmark’s still using a very strict policy of hiring for their leads.

Opening song is actually not Christmasy. What has gone wrong?

Also, it’s starting out with a couple very much in love. It’s like it’s backwards. If a Hallmark movie starts with a proposal are they going to both be dead by the end? Maybe this is more like the red wedding than I thought.

The heroine has dreamed of a wedding in Cabo her whole life? Was she born a sorority sister? Also I sense the plot is about how she doesn’t end up having a wedding in Cabo. It’s not the title at all that is making me think this.

Hallmark Aspirations: “Making brides beautiful is what I was made to do.” MADE TO DO

Uh oh, she’s got the cardinal Hallmark flaw: she thinks her plans will work out. Women, amirite?

Wow, her mom booked an entire resort in Cabo for the wedding? Are all wealthy people just in Hallmark movies?

Ooh Canadian alert. Our hero just said “oot” instead of “out”.

Her mom just discussed a breakfast item called “Crunchy avocado benedicts” which sounds like the opposite of what avocados should be.

Maybe it’s because I’ve never been married, but there’s a lot of discussion about an engagement party that I did not know was a critical linchpin in getting married.

Like other Hallmark heroines Hallie owns her own business, this time it’s a styling salon. And it’s a really poor knockoff of the Beauty Shop dynamic.

The so-called “winter” wedding dress she tries on is off the shoulder with no sleeves. Because apparently “winter dress” does not mean what I think it should mean.

Ew, “custard eggnog”. What are the recipes in this movie even doing?

Rich groom Lucas is upset his parents are creating a hot springs because when you’re wealthy these are the problems you have.

Also the entire resort her mom booked canceled their reservation and it’s THE WORST WEEKEND OF THEIR LIVES.

In the interest of moving the story along they’ve decided to just get married this weekend. I have no idea how far they are out from their summer date. Which is great because a slow burn of their chronicled issues heading up to the wedding is too demoralizing to consider.

The best man and the maid of honor are completely unsuitable so they’re definitely going to fall in love. By the way, anyone who keeps a cream puff tucked in their jacket for later is not to be trusted.

I just want to go on record that this more than any other movie is difficult to take seriously. It’s probably because I’ve never had a dream wedding destination? Or …you know…money to splurge on destination weddings?

Also sidenote, the groom’s mother is making the food and keeps licking her hands and the spoon and so much nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

The groom’s brother, despite the fact that he squirrels squishy food away into his coat, is actually quite adorable, though given the maid of honor just broke up with her fiance, he’s moving way too fast. But that is a staple of Hallmark movies. “When it feels right it is right”, right?

Guys, there’s a lip sync in this movie. It’s…choreographed? I can’t tell you how much I didn’t need this.

Wow, Cabo opened up again, fifteen minutes before the wedding. Which is the crisis point of the movie, I think? It’s hard to tell because none of the problems seem to be actual problems. Or as Chandler would say, “This must be so hard. “Oh, no! Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!”

And the wedding just got postponed. And somehow their love is now in question. And the best man and maid of honor are picking a fight with each other because no one can be happy right now. No one.

Wow, big reveal, Hallie’s mom lied about where she and her husband got married? This seems oddly sociopathic. She also just figured out that Hallie just wants to be married to the man she loves. Guys, Hallmark world is a terrifying place where people lie about absurd things and then ruin their children’s lives over having a dream wedding at an expensive resort in Mexico. And also they’re surprised that other people marry for love. Which is…kind of foundational to functioning in a Hallmark movie.

I’ve kind of realized this is not at all a Christmas movie, but honestly I’m too far in to switch. I should have put it together sooner, if I’m being honest, but I genuinely thought for Hallmark that winter was synonymous with Christmas. That’s my bad; I won’t fail you guys again. Anyway, they get married. Everyone’s happy or whatever, and the best man and maid of honor, if all goes the way it should, will be the stars of the sequel. Where I assume the big issue up for debate will be a disagreement between coconut cake with the chocolate syrup on the side or on the cake itself.

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