Online Dating: The Adventure Begins and Ends

I didn’t meet Jr. Eastwood online. Shockingly.

But I did meet Andrew from Oregon. I’m not sure how other dating websites work, but eharmony has a ropes course toward romantic fulfillment.You go through challenges of “intimacy” and as you get to know someone you go to the “next level” (squee). “Next level” means essentially more “in-depth” questions.

I do think this works for the large number of people who use it, I mean, obviously, people get married after meeting on eharmony. But for me it was simply a quick and not complete vetting process to determine if Andrew was a serial killer. There were a couple suspicious indicators that he was out to murder me.

He was REALLY excited to meet me. Even when I put him off he would not be deterred. Each conversation ended with “coming to Portland soon?” Come on, right? That’s super weird! People wanting to meet people? More like people wanting to MEAT people.

We also had way too many common interests. I’m always suspicious of people who like the same things as me. I assume it’s a sneaky way of trying to relate to me. You can’t force the “we were meant for each other” thing on me. I’m way to smart for that.

Plus, it leaves no room for me making fun of him for his interests. Which is also my chief way of flirting. And also just my chief form of speech.

It was all too suspiciously easy. A couple of clicks, a few short sentences and suddenly the door is wide open for a relationship? No, I don’t think so.

That’s usually how you know someone’s out to get you, they make it easy for you…too easy.

Plus, I didn’t really do the eharmony thing on my own. I had a gaggle of over-excitable friends coaching me on my responses. Hi, Andrew. I’d like you to meet the me you’ve been talking to. It’s actually four of us. Two of whom are already married. That’s not going to be weird, right? Of course, four people might have put him off from murdering me.

But in all seriousness, I’m sure Andrew from Oregon was actually a really lovely guy. I’m also sure that online dating isn’t for me because my end goal isn’t marriage. It’s just to get people to stop asking me to try online dating. Because the site is geared toward marriage, that’s the assumption about your interest in joining. “Research” wasn’t an option.

If my life were a dramatic movie with a voiceover, I’d be telling you how there is no “research” option in life, it’s all do or do not. But to be honest, my life isn’t a drama. It’s a poorly planned comedy. I had to try online dating, just for the laughs.